Working with Self-Criticism

Ever find yourself wide awake at 3am replaying every “mistake” from the day again and again? Or maybe scrolling on Instagram, comparing yourself to others and thinking that you should be doing more but nothing ever feels like enough? Or maybe getting upset with yourself for feeling upset in the first place? 

You’re not alone.

Many people I work with describe an inner voice that is quick to point out flaws and slow to offer kindness. Maybe you beat yourself up for saying the wrong thing at work, missing a goal you set for yourself, or feeling anxious when you think you “should” feel confident. This kind of self-criticism can feel motivating at first, but over time it often leads to more anxiety, shame, and emotional exhaustion. And you might find yourself stuck in a cycle of trying harder, feeling worse, and wondering why nothing seems to help.

The truth is, anxiety fueled self-criticism is not a sign that something is wrong with you. Often, it’s a signal that your nervous system is overwhelmed and that you’ve learned to cope by being tough on yourself. While this strategy may have helped you survive in the past, it can keep you stuck now. In this blog post, we’ll explore how to work with self-criticism, empowering you to feel calmer, more confident, and more connected to yourself.

If you’re ready to embrace the journey toward overcoming self-criticism, let’s dive in together and discover the tools and strategies that can help you feel more grounded, kinder to yourself, and less alone in the process.

Debunking Common Misconceptions About Self-Criticism

Let’s take a closer look at some common myths surrounding self-criticism and uncover the truths that can help you move forward with more clarity and compassion.

Myth #1: Self-criticism motivates you to do better
Many people believe that being hard on themselves is the key to success. They think harsh self-talk will push them to work harder, fix mistakes faster, and avoid failure. However, the reality is far more nuanced. While self-criticism may create short bursts of motivation, it often increases anxiety, shame, and fear of getting things wrong. Over time, this can lead to burnout and perfectionism, not growth. Remember, struggling or needing rest does not mean you’re failing—it means you’re human.

Myth #2: Compassion means being “soft” or lazy
It’s often thought that self-compassion will make you lower your standards or stop caring. This belief can keep people stuck in cycles of self-criticism because kindness feels risky. However, digging deeper reveals that compassion actually helps people stay consistent, resilient, and emotionally balanced. When you treat yourself with understanding instead of shame, it becomes easier to learn from mistakes and keep going. Don’t be discouraged if compassion feels uncomfortable at first—it’s a skill that grows with practice.

Myth #3: Confident people don’t struggle with self-criticism
One prevalent myth is that confident or successful people are free from self-criticism. Yet, a closer look shows that many people who appear confident still battle an inner critic, especially during stressful seasons. The difference is not the absence of self-criticism, but how they respond to it. Keep in mind that setbacks are temporary hurdles on your path to growth.

Understanding Self-Criticism

Self-criticism often shows up when you care deeply, want to do well, or fear falling behind. While it may feel personal, this pattern usually develops as a way to protect yourself from failure, rejection, or disappointment. Still, these moments can leave you feeling overwhelmed, tense, and never quite “good enough.” If you’re grappling with self-criticism, know that you’re not alone—and you’re not broken.

Often, self-criticism is a sign that something inside you is asking for more understanding, not more pressure.

When experiencing self-criticism, it can help to gently reflect on what might be fueling it. It may stem from past experiences where mistakes were criticized, learned beliefs that your worth depends on achievement, or long-standing perfectionism. Over time, these messages may seem automatic, especially during stress.

Self-criticism often takes different forms. It might sound like blaming yourself for feeling anxious, replaying conversations on a loop, or believing you “should” be further along in life by now. Whether it shows up at work, in relationships, or during quiet moments alone, your experience is valid and worthy of care.

External factors like social media comparisons, work pressure, or family expectations can intensify this inner critic, making anxiety feel even heavier. These influences can distort perspective and convince you that you’re falling short.

In essence, self-criticism is a learned response, not a life sentence. In the next section, we’ll explore practical strategies to soften this inner voice and move forward with compassion and resilience.

Strategies for Working with Self-Criticism

Now that we’ve explored the complexities of self-criticism and where it often comes from, it’s time to shift our focus toward change. While this inner voice may feel loud and convincing, it isn’t permanent. With practice, compassion, and patience, you can learn to respond differently. 

These strategies are not about “fixing” yourself—they’re about building a kinder, more supportive relationship with your mind.

1. Notice your inner critic without judgment
Start by simply paying attention to when self-criticism shows up. Notice the tone and words you use with yourself, especially during moments of anxiety. Try labeling it as “the inner critic” instead of treating it as fact. This small shift creates space and reduces shame.

2. Practice self-compassion in small moments
Compassion doesn’t have to be big or dramatic. When you notice self-criticism, gently ask, “What would I say to a friend right now?” Offering yourself warmth instead of blame can calm anxiety and soften perfectionism over time.

3. Challenge perfectionistic thinking
Perfectionism often tells you there’s only one “right” way to succeed. Try replacing all-or-nothing thoughts with more balanced ones, like, “Doing my best today is enough.” Progress, not perfection, builds confidence.

4. Ground your body when anxiety rises
Self-criticism often gets louder when your nervous system is overwhelmed. Simple grounding tools—slow breathing, stretching, or placing your feet firmly on the floor—can help your body feel safer, making compassionate thoughts more accessible.

5. Set realistic, values-based goals
Instead of pushing yourself out of fear or shame, ask what truly matters to you. Set goals that align with your values, not comparison. This reduces anxiety and builds motivation rooted in self-respect.

With consistent practice, these strategies can help quiet self-criticism, reduce shame, and make room for more ease and confidence in your daily life.

How Can Therapy Help You Overcome Self-Criticism?

Therapy can be an invaluable resource when you’re trying to untangle anxiety and self-criticism. While self-help tools are helpful, working with a therapist gives you space to slow down, feel supported, and better understand what’s happening beneath the surface. Here’s how therapy can support you in overcoming self-criticism:

1. Create awareness of your inner critic
   A therapist can help you notice patterns in your self-talk and understand where your inner critic came from. When these patterns are named, they often lose some of their power.

2. Build self-compassion safely
   Many people struggle to be kind to themselves alone. Therapy offers a steady, nonjudgmental space where compassion can be practiced and felt, even when it feels unfamiliar.

3. Reduce shame and perfectionism
   Talking openly about mistakes, fears, and anxiety helps loosen shame. Over time, perfectionism softens as you learn that your worth isn’t tied to performance.

4. Regulate anxiety more effectively
   Therapy helps calm the nervous system through grounding, reflection, and emotional support. When anxiety settles, self-criticism often becomes quieter too.

5. Reconnect with your values
   Instead of being driven by fear or comparison, therapy helps you move toward goals that feel meaningful and realistic.

Overall, therapy offers a supportive and compassionate environment where you can develop coping strategies and gain insight to work through self-criticism and build a more confident, balanced life. Remember, seeking support is an investment in your growth!

If you’re struggling, therapy can offer clarity, relief, and encouragement. With a therapist’s guidance, you can understand your patterns, reduce anxiety, and strengthen self-compassion.

At The Psychotherapy Studio PLLC, we specialize in a strengths-based and psychodynamic approach. You don’t have to handle anxiety or self-criticism by yourself. I support individuals by helping them understand the roots of their patterns, build self-awareness, and reconnect with compassion.

Schedule a 20-minute free consultation by clicking here.